Loneliness vs. Solitude: Making Peace with Your Own Company (Episode 58)
Do you find it almost impossible to be alone without filling the silence?
Do you reach for your phone the moment a queue appears or you put something on the second you get home?
Or do you feel lonely even when you are surrounded by people? 💜
That is the heart of Episode 58 of Labels Don't Define Us: "Loneliness vs. Solitude: Making Peace with Your Own Company."
In this gentle, honest episode, Sarah is joined by her guest Billy to explore a distinction that matters more for our mental health than almost any other: the difference between feeling lonely and being peacefully alone.
(As noted in the show notes, this episode is created and narrated using AI.)
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Loneliness Is Not About Being Alone 🌿
From the outside, loneliness and solitude can look exactly the same: a person on their own. But as Sarah explains, they could not be more different on the inside.
Loneliness is a state of painful disconnection. It is not really about how many people are around you, but about the gap between the connection you have and the connection you need.
You can be surrounded by people and feel profoundly lonely, and you can spend most of your time alone and not feel lonely at all. What matters is the felt sense of being understood, valued, and part of something.
The episode doesn't shy away from how serious this is.
Sarah shares Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad's research, which links strong social relationships to a much higher likelihood of survival, and the striking comparison that the mortality risk of loneliness is similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Dr. John Cacioppo's work shows that loneliness can be self-reinforcing: a lonely brain starts reading social situations as more threatening, which makes connection even harder. As Sarah puts it, this reframes loneliness as a health issue, not a personal failing. 💛
What Solitude Really Is ✨
Solitude is something else entirely: time alone that is chosen, that feels spacious rather than empty, and in which you are enough company for yourself. In Sarah's words, it is not the absence of other people; it is the presence of oneself.
Psychologist Dr. Ester Buchholz, author of The Call of Solitude, argues that we need a secure, easy relationship not only with others but also with ourselves, and that the capacity for solitude is a prerequisite for the capacity for genuine intimacy.
Research on restorative solitude finds that chosen time alone can open the door to creativity, self-understanding, and emotional balance that are hard to reach in a busy social life.
Sarah also mentions Dr. Sherry Turkle's research on our growing difficulty with even brief unoccupied moments (that reflexive reach for the phone) and Susan Cain's work on introversion.
The encouraging part: a restful relationship with solitude is not only for introverts. It is something anyone can learn.
"A Room After a Long Party" 💬
Billy describes himself as someone who spent most of his 20s and 30s fleeing his own company: filling every quiet moment with noise, every evening with plans.
He was very social, but deeply uncomfortable with silence. Looking back, he realized it was not boredom. It was avoidance of thoughts, feelings, and questions he wasn't ready to face.
Then a period of illness kept him at home. The first days without distraction were hard. But partway through the second week, something shifted.
He describes it as "a kind of quiet, not emptiness, quiet, like a room after a long party." In that quiet he met a curious, thoughtful version of himself he hadn't seen in years.
Afterwards, he began protecting small pockets of silence: tea without his phone, walks without headphones, and evenings left unscheduled.
And his relationships actually improved, because he was coming to people "from a fullness rather than an emptiness." 🌸
Escaping From, or Returning To? 🕊️
The good news is that comfort with solitude can be built gently, step by step. Research shared in the episode suggests that even 10 to 15 minutes a day of chosen, phone-free, unscheduled time alone can bring measurable improvements in self-understanding and emotional regulation within weeks.
Mindfulness and solitude also support each other: start one, and the other tends to deepen.
One idea from Dr. Reed Larson's research stayed with me: whether being alone feels like loneliness or solitude depends less on your circumstances and more on your inner orientation, whether you are escaping from something or returning to something.
And that choice is available in any quiet moment, starting now.
Three Small Practices for This Week 🕯️
The episode closes with three gentle tools. You might like to try one today:
💜 Begin with 10 minutes: not meditation, not journaling, just ten minutes of chosen, phone-free, agenda-free time alone. Sit with something warm, look out of a window, and let your mind wander. If it feels uncomfortable, stay anyway. That staying is the practice.
🌸 Pause for five seconds: next time you feel the reflex to fill a quiet moment, pause before you reach for the phone and ask, "Am I filling this because I want to, or because I cannot sit with the silence?"
🍂 Take one walk without headphones: just you, the movement and whatever is there. Solitude in one of its most accessible and restorative forms.
Reflection questions: When do I reach for noise most automatically?
What might be waiting for me in the quiet?
Where do I feel lonely, and which connection do I truly long for?
If loneliness feels heavy or long-lasting, please be gentle with yourself and consider reaching out to someone you trust or a qualified professional. You deserve connection and support.
Ready to Listen? 🎙️
As Billy says at the end of the episode, what you find when you stop running is not emptiness, but "your own self. And it turns out, they're pretty good company." 🌿
Listen on Acast, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube.
New to Make Money & Heal? Begin on my Start Here page. 🌿
If this episode could help someone who has been running from the quiet or feeling lonely in a crowd, please share it with them. 💛
With Love,
Kicki 💛
More Gentle Reads for Your Healing Journey 🌿
💛 The Courage to Be Seen: Vulnerability in Everyday Life (Episode 57)
💛 Relationships That Heal: How to Find Love After Emotional Pain (Episode 44)
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